“Remembering you running soft through the night
You were bigger, brighter and whiter than snow
Screamed at the make believe, screamed at the sky
And you finally found courage to let it all go”
The Cure – Pictures Of You
So. I’m in the midst of a breakup. And it’s hard.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years–when we got together I was young, naive, excited, frightened, and had no idea what I was getting myself into. Thank God for that. Had I been warned, I may not have made the decision to get together in the first place. And that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.
Sure, I’ve come out of this relationship older, wiser, scarred, and…different. But the older was inevitable, the wiser is a blessing, and the scars are just a part of life. I accept that. And for all of the bad, there was so so so much good.
Now, I don’t want to be one of those girls who says “OH, you don’t know what it’s like when we’re alone together…he’s so much different.” But, it’s kinda true–sure, we had fun when it was a group of friends–drinking, dancing, laughing…but what I will miss the most are the times when we were alone. When I would look around and feel so fortunate to be right where I was in that moment, when we could just be quiet together. At the park with a book, Sunday morning rituals of heading out for coffee and a paper. Walking downtown seeing the blue sky peek out from beneath the buildings around us. Horns honking, people shouting, tires screeching. But still, somehow, completely peaceful.
I am the one responsible for the breakup, because I’ve found someone new. And I’m excited for what lies ahead. I’m proud of my bravery to leave behind the familiar. It’s not comfortable, it feels strange and surreal and exciting all at once. But my ex will always be my first love and no one new can take that away from us–it’s just time to see what else is out there.
So, Chicago…I love you and always will. I will be back, someday, because I think in the end we are meant to be together. For now, I have to spread my wings a little because that’s how life is meant to be lived (at least the life I’m living).
No matter where I am, I will always be your girl. xoxo-b.